“It truly sucks when ANYONE violates the trust of another human being. It’s one thing to not be able to live up to an expectation, realistic or otherwise, while attempting to deliver value AND it is quite another to abuse people’s faith, hopes, dreams, pocketbooks, minds, emotions as well as physically. The self-help field is not regulated which is both a plus and a detriment. Fraud is rampant.
Misinformation is rampant. Some providers are very successful teaching wrong things or misleading people in many ways. JUST being successful and having a fancy car or a big house is no indication the person is someone you should learn from. There are plenty of people I know of and who I know that I would not sit in the same room with to learn anything for free. Because I know what they’re like.
I’ve had my share of narcissistic teachers and frauds in my development history. While I would never encourage anyone to go to who I did, I don’t regret a minute of it. Sometimes some things you learn are more important than the money you spend. There are people I have had to share the platform with that I would not endorse, fraternize with, or want to learn from. It is just the way it is.
Good and bad people exist together. I’m very sorry whenever someone goes through a ‘bad’ experience with ‘self-help gurus’ because it reflects on the whole field in some ways. While it shouldn’t reflect on all, it does. However, you can be a better person having gone through the difficulty. What matters most to you is what you do with a bad experience. You either win or wallow. It’s up to each of us.
It is unfortunate that there are many people out there who don’t walk the talk. The self-help industry is a buyer beware market. You should always vet your trainers and your speakers and your presenters to the best of your ability. I’ve written articles on this topic for at least 30 years suggesting this and how you can do it. Do the legwork whenever you invest in anything. That is just common sense.
It’s not just people who claim to know NLP. It’s anyone who is a con-artist at heart or a narcissist and there are plenty of both all around. Most complaints about providers have nothing to do with NLP or the Law of Attraction. Many people don’t know how to or use NLP including those who claim to be trainers and presenters of it. Many teach what they can’t do. Not all, but clearly enough.
NLP gets blamed for lots of things when it’s the person that’s a sociopath, narcissist or psychopath that uses whatever they use. It’s not just NLP, but all self-help programs have problems with presenters who don’t live what they preach. OKAY, so we all get this, I hope. It comes up frequently by consumers, so I wanted to address it again because of some complaints about those people in the field.
NLP is just fine. It’s some providers, not the NLP. LOA is just fine. Tapping is just fine. EMDR is just fine. Acupuncture is just fine. Get this. The studies are fine. Those offering may or may not be. Investigate and choose wisely. Nlp is nothing but information in a book that came from other sources through the centuries. One way to think about it is as a toolbox. Toolbox, good. Carpenter, not so good. Get it.
Thinking about it as a toolbox HOWEVER, is only one way to think about it. There’s more I won’t go into now. It IS up to the person who applies the information and uses it that matters. A hammer can build things or tear things down. It’s not a tool. It’s the individual. There are plenty of people claiming to know and use and train NLP who know nothing about it. Some are unethical.
Someone recently bragged to me how great they were in NLP and related fields. They didn’t realize who they’re bragging to. It became apparent within seconds that no matter how many certificates they acquired they had but a juvenile understanding of the subject matter. Sadly, they offer training and coaching. I can’t tell you how many times it happens to us who have been in the field for 40 plus years.
Those who have pursued excellence and been around for years AND who are seasoned by failure and success can tell whether someone walks the talk or not very quickly. While I love newcomers, I also love people who are humble while confident. I enjoy the freshness and exuberance of newcomers and new learners. However, training and coaching requires more than bluster as exhibited by too many.
Some of the important elements for a coach, mentor or trainer is attention. The genuine desire to understand where the trainee is coming from. The ability to observe and listen compassionately without judgement. The ability to be honest, direct and tactful. AND to not only be knowledgeable but experienced and excel in competence. Many things make someone worth training with.
Many things make one not worth training with. Some of the most famous celebrity speakers, authors, trainers, gurus aren’t worth training with, depending on your goal. If you want to be in a packed room with a celebrity that’s one thing. Some do. They want to be around someone famous. Some prefer being with someone who isn’t as well-known because more work or individual attention is provided.
If YOU want to acquire skills to help you and perhaps others transform lives, a celebrity may not be your best choice for multiple reasons. Care should be given to who and when you train and why. Not everyone who trains does so to help others. Some get training so they can say they also train. They don’t care about the trainee as much as they adore the attention they get in the front of the room.
There’s a big difference. The trainer should have a healthy ‘ego’ but not be egotistical or narcissistic. Sadly, many who train and coach only do it to make themselves feel important at the expense of the mentee, student or trainee. It’s just a part of any business. There are celebrities who are nice, like the parts they play in movies while others aren’t. Some monster actors are the nicest people. Understand?
There are issues with people who show up to training who aren’t there to learn but who want to laud themselves to other trainees as someone important. They brag about the years of training they’ve done. The private moments they’ve had with so and so. How much training they’ve done. The time so and so called on them to… Some share to brag. Others share to be helpful. There’s a difference.
For a learner to be a good learner that person must be willing to learn and willing to change. Not everyone is. Although many, if not most say they are. The proof is in the pudding. When the rubber hits the road one can tell if the trainee is willing to learn and change and whether the trainer is worth training with. It can be a marriage made in heaven or hell and that is up to the individuals involved.
Know this and make wise choices. For the trainee the Zen story of the master pouring tea into the disciple’s cup to overflow speaks to this. The master tells the disciple to go away, empty the cup and come back when it is empty and open to be filled. If you show up to a training with a head and heart filled with baggage and ego, you thwart your own learning. Best to be willing to learn and to change.
How do you learn to make wise choices? You learn from the mistakes you made so you don’t repeat them. Failure is the way to learn to be successful. Many don’t like this aspect of it, but it’s true. Failure, if you are willing to learn and willing to change, provides you the opportunity to get feedback and adjust. You keep moving forward by falling and getting up. Eventually you learn to walk.
I am fond of saying, all the while the Wright Brothers were attempting to fly, they were experimenting. They were ‘failing’ and getting feedback and making adjustments. ONLY after the first successful flight did they THEN know how to fly. From there, they could improve on it. We did. Not all that many years later we put humans on the moon. Be willing to learn from mistakes. Be willing to change and you will. Celebrate everything!”
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“This may be the wisest, more realistic, and most helpful book I’ve come across. I’ve been a self-help book addict for at least five decades, and I’ve read many of the greats. This is up there with the greats and maybe beyond. Besides extraordinary insights, the style is accessible and compelling. I loved LIFE ON YOUR TERMS. Buy it!” Mitzi Perdue – Author, Entrepreneur (Perdue Chicken)
“Rex, I love your book! I just want to say thank you for who you are and how you are showing up and particularly for ‘Life On Your Terms.’ It is a powerful book that impacted me and people I have shared it with. They call me and say, ‘thank you!’ And I say, ‘thank Rex because he is a bad dude up in here, up in here.” Les Brown – Speaker
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